Yesterday was a rest day. I still had lots to do as far as getting ready to move, so the rest again was from running, not from work altogether. I have been tired lately, more so than usual. I told him I felt like I had had a recovery set back. I tried to process and do too much and my head started to feel like a shaken snow globe again, and foggy. It is very upsetting to feel that way. It hurts to think, literally, at some point. I went to see my Doctor yesterday, and he told me that he thinks I found my limits. When life gets too crazy, instead of trying to do everything that comes your way and juggle events like I did a few years back, he says I need to back off, take more down time, and delegate the rest to my husband. People who see me think I look the same as always. No one but Ben knows when I say it hurts to think, or I cannot process anymore, that I really really mean it. If I take on too much, my head feels bad, it has a buzzing, shaken felling inside and my ears roar too. After a day or so of "too much" I don't sleep at night well either. It had a cumulative effect. Stress is bad for me. If I am going to feel well enough to race in a few weeks, I need to listen to his advice. I need to plan the day out, keep to my routine which helps guard against over stimulation of the brain, and get the afternoon nap or rest in, and be in bed to sleep by 10 pm. Its what has worked best to retrain my brain. When I asked if this would too get better and go away completely one day, I was told, "lets look at the glass being half full. You have had two severe brain injuries. You are alive, when you could have easily not survived either time. You know you are here; you know you have limitations and are aware of all that goes on around you. Let's not worry about what does feel right and work to get back to where you feel the best again. No going backward allowed. If resting your brain, or zoning out as you call it makes you feel better, so what?! Thats what you do. If you say no, I can't handle that bit of business for you now, you will need to wait for my husband to be available, if no one listens and heeds that, don't give in. Distance yourself from things that contribute to your brain being overwhelmed. You are so lucky to be here. You may continue to get to where you can adjust and handle stress and hectic schedules, but if you don't so what? You need to avoid them and there's nothing wrong with that at all."
The reason I write about this is because many people who have not had a traumatic brain injury or a a subarachnoid hemorrhage have other trials in life that can get them down or make them feel less than 100%. We all strive to be our best, and on any given day our best may not be what it once was. If we are still alive, aware of our surroundings, and other wise enjoying life, it should not bring us down. Tomorrow will be better I hope. The lesson is to learn what is not good for us, and avoid if we can or modify if it cannot be avoided. I do not want to go back to how I felt the first year of recovery, , and a few days of it got my attention. If I don't return calls timely or seem to be flying or running under the radar, please don't take it personally. I (or in fact others in you life) may be trying the best they can to stay sound and well.
My cross training for today was 40 minutes, level 8 on a stationary bike, 20 minutes level 7 on a stair master, 30 crunches, bicep curls, shoulder presses and then I stopped. I weeded, swept up the storm mess - leaves and flowers around the patio, took the pool water to be tested, and did some house work. i met some friends for lunch on my Wednesday Lunch Group where we can decompress a bit, and am now going to take a nap, before heading out to our quarterly accounting meeting late this afternoon. If I feel brain tired, I am sending Ben and not going. Thats what my doctor was telling me yesterday. I listened. I will miss him once we move. He is a smart man, a good friend, and a great doctor.
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